


what my heart just yearns to say

by yaskiers



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Rewrite, Canonical Character Death, F/F, First Kisses, Fluff, arthur pendragon is in this but he's a baby so, is it a canon rewrite if you dont actually remember canon, major liberties taken with canon, mentioned/implied ygraine/uther, nimueh deserved better, uther is in this but he doesn't deserve a tag, whatever its my party and i make the rules
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:00:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25932502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yaskiers/pseuds/yaskiers
Summary: “She may have married you,” Nimueh gasped, infusing all the venom she could into the words.  “But she loved me."or, the first time Nimueh talked to Ygraine de Bois and the last time she did, and every moment in between.
Relationships: Ygraine de Bois/Nimueh (Merlin)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 18





	what my heart just yearns to say

**Author's Note:**

> for the sapphics

Nimueh had been in Camelot for less than a week when she met Princess Ygraine. 

She had been running from her Mistress and her teachings, a more and more common occurrence in the recent days. Camelot was stressful, and it’s magic teachings even more so. The Religion called to her, though not through the classroom. It was in the forests, in the skies and the rain, in the wind that howled and the smell of the fresh grass. 

“Oh- my apologies! I didn’t see you there,” The young woman exclaimed, glancing down from the tower steps at Nimueh and her perch on the castle walls. 

She was beautiful, Nimueh thought. Her hair was golden, like the sunlight and yet it glistened like the stars. Her eyes were blue, and her blush was endearing in a way Nimueh could not quite describe. 

“Forgive me, my lady,” she answered, fidgeting with the uniform which felt drab in the presence of one so beautiful. “That is rather the point.”

“Are you hiding, then?” She asked, and descended the steps in a single quick movement, her skirts rustling in the wind. 

Nimueh laughed. “I suppose that’s one word for it.”

“I don’t suppose I could join you?”

“Of course, my lady.” Nimueh replied, sliding to the left to make room. 

She sat delicately, clutching the ground behind her like a lifeline. When she spoke, her voice held no fear. “No need for formalities, I think. We’re too high up for courtly decorum.”

“As you wish, my lady.” She glared at Nimueh, though her eyes danced with laughter, and her smile was bright. Nimueh wished to all the gods that she would see that smile again. 

They sat in silence for a moment, the wind whistling in their ears and their hair flying into their faces. The courtyard below them was alive, and Nimueh could see some of her old classmates having some sort of competition or another in the square. 

“Do you live here?” A soft voice asked, breaking the silence. 

Nimueh turned to look at her. “I will, though I’ve only been here less than a fortnight, I’m afraid.”

“That’s a relief, I must confess,” She said, leaning closer as if telling a secret. “I’ve been here for almost two, I should think, and yet I’ve still to make a friend.”

Nimueh nudged their shoulders together. “We could be friends, if you’d like.”

“I wouldn’t mind that at all, I should think,” She answered. “Ygraine.”

“Nimueh.” Nimueh replied, and thought of how wonderful it was to not be alone anymore.

* * *

“Princess Ygraine!” The guard called, barely audible over the bustling of the servants in the royal guest wing. 

“What was that?” Ygraine asked, winking at Nimueh. “I thought I heard something, did you?”

Nimueh smirked. She loved this side of the princess, the side that laughed when the dragonlord heir fell face first in the stables, who stole honey cakes and cider from the kitchen and always made sure to have an extra necklace to slip to a maid who had been hungry lately. “I’m sorry, my lady, I haven’t heard anything.”

“A tragedy,” Ygraine agreed. “Why, someone must alert the master bards at once!”

“I’ll be sure to do so.” 

Ygraine threw her arm around Nimueh’s shoulders, drawing her close and pulling her down the stairs. “What would I do without you? Of course, I’m sure that can wait until after we’ve been to the stables, I’d hate to be late to our afternoon ride.”

“Of course,” Nimueh laughed. 

* * *

“How are your studies, darling?” Ygraine asked into the night, the patter of the rain outside a comforting sound to them both. Despite the crisp air and the weather outside, the fire burned bright in the princess’ chambers, and the cider was still warm from the kitchens in their hands. 

Nimueh looked to her friend, to her starlight hair and her ocean eyes which reflected the golden glow of the fire. “Alright, I suppose.”

“Alright?” Ygraine leaned her head against Nimueh’s shoulder, and nudged her arm with her own. “I don’t need to threaten Master Foltest with beheading again, do I?”

“No, not at the moment,” Nimueh laughed. “It’s just- it’s my own fault, really. It’s the pull I feel, the calling that I can’t quite stamp down. It makes it hard to scry and learn mundane spells.”

Ygraine blew out a long breath, and Nimueh could feel the rise and fall of her chest on her shoulder. “I’ve always said you were meant for greatness.”

“And I’ve always said it would be easier if I could just be… normal.”

Ygraine moved even closer, pulling Nimueh’s cold hands into her warm ones. “Nimueh, Nimueh darling never think that. You are meant for greatness, don’t let some silly old goat who thinks they know something because they’ve lived a century or two tell you otherwise! You were born with this, this calling for a reason. You just need to find your purpose.” She squeezed their hands before reaching up to cup Nimueh’s face. 

They were inches apart, and her eyes seemed even more striking, somehow. 

“What if I’ve already found it,” Nimueh breathed, barely daring to speak the words. “What if my purpose is right in front of me. What if it always has been?”

Ygraine smiled, that lazy smile she used at court that Nimueh had always known held more than it let on. “Well then, my lady,” She whispered, using the title from what felt like so long ago. “I suppose you should do everything in your power to make it yours.”

* * *

Kissing Ygraine felt more wonderful, more powerful than any magic Nimueh had known. Kissing Ygraine was it’s own form of magic, because it alone gave Nimueh the feeling that she could conquer the world.

* * *

“Nimueh.” Ygraine said, grabbing her hand and pressing a kiss to her knuckles. “What’s going on, Nim. Talk to me.”

Nimueh let herself be pulled around to face her love, her lover, her everything. “It’s the wind, ‘Raine. It doesn’t- It doesn’t feel right, there’s something wrong, I can feel it. And it’s in the stars too, and the earth, and the rain. It’s everywhere. Something is coming, something powerful.”

“It’s going to be alright,” Ygraine promised, grabbing her waist and closing what little distance remained between them. 

Nimueh dropped her head onto the familiar shoulder in front of her, closing her eyes and feeling the gentle fingers card through her hair. “I hope you’re right,” she murmured. “Gods I hope you’re right.”

* * *

Nimueh stared, because it was all she could do. The council chambers were dead quiet. Ygraine looked at her desperately, before plastering on a fake smile (so fake it hurt, so fake it cut into Nimueh like a knife never could) and going up to the throne, curseying in that painting perfect way she did when everyone was watching, when she couldn’t afford to be anything but the model princess. 

“Of course I accept.” Her voice rang out through the hall, and yet it didn’t comfort Nimueh as it usually would have. “I would be honored to marry Prince Uther.”

A beat. And then a thunderous cheering broke out. 

Let them be happy, Nimueh thought viciously, as the fools they always would be. Tears blurred her eyes as she all but ran from the hall. Ygraine could have called out to her, she wasn’t sure. All she knew was that the feeling of _wrong_ which had been bothering her for weeks, feeling like a warning from the heavens themselves, had worsened.

* * *

“You can’t marry him.” The first words she had spoken to Ygraine since the announcement. They were standing in the princess’ chambers, as they had so many times before. Except this time there would be no kisses exchanged in the dark, no warm arms to wrap around her and no heartbeat to lie under her head. “Ygraine, I’m serious. There’s something wrong.”

Ygraine didn’t move, didn’t flinch in the face of the accusation against her betrothed. “You know I have to.”

“You don’t,” She could hear the desperation in her voice now, the fear that choked her until it consumed her every thought. “We- we could head somewhere. To the coast, maybe. Get away, leave here, take a break from everything. You could leave with me, they would never find me, and they could never find us!”

“And leave my kingdom?” Ygraine asked softly. “Leave my family, my people? Those who I have sworn to, those who I have a duty to?”

“ _Yes_.” Nimueh said loudly, because didn’t she understand? Who cared for Camelot, for filthy nobles who killed for their own amusement, for people who would betray for a single gold coin. Who cared for all the mortals of the world when Ygraine existed, when someone so pure and loving and good would be forced into something like this?

Ygraine came closer, reaching for her hand as she had so many times before. Nimueh pulled away. 

“Nimueh-”

She paused. “I won’t watch this.” Nimueh whispered. “I won’t watch you destroy yourself.”

Ygraine flinched, as if the words physically hurt her. “Nimueh please-”

“I’ll be back,” She promised, though she did not know when.

* * *

For the first time since she was sixteen, Nimueh was alone again. 

* * *

“Ygraine.” She had changed, in the years Nimueh had been gone. Her hair was still as fine as silk, though it was braided in the custom for married women. Her eyes though, they hadn’t changed. 

Her love looked at her for the first time in longer than Nimueh would care to remember. “Nimueh,” she breathed. “Oh my dear friend. I’ve missed you so.” 

“I’ve missed you too,” she replied truthfully, though she felt the words didn’t quite capture how much she had felt the ache in her chest. 

She longed to kiss her, to wind her fingers through that blonde hair and remember what it felt like to be home. She couldn’t, though. Those times were gone, leaving her with the memories she wished she had more of.

* * *

“We want a child, Nimueh.” King Uther said, looking at her from his bejeweled throne. He sat on the gold he did not deserve, and though he was not a horrible king (yet, her mind whispered, yet) there was a darkness in him, and the Religion did not like him. “And you will give one to us. There are ways, are there not?”

She looked, not at him but at Ygraine, and thought to their whispers under the covers at night, how Ygraine had confessed that she had always wanted a child. Arthur for a boy, for a girl she had not yet decided. “Yes,” She said. “But it will come with a price, I warn you. A life for a life. For one to be given, one must be taken.”

The king waved his hand, as if brushing her warning aside. “It is an honor to die for a kingdom’s heir.”

Nimueh said nothing, and she felt that she had simply worsened the darkness in his eyes.

* * *

“Are you sure?” Nimueh asked, holding Ygraine’s hand tight in hers as she had so many times before. 

Uther flicked his hand impatiently. “Of course she-”

“Be silent, highness, I speak not to you.” Nimueh warned, her voice going sweet but deadly. “Ygraine, look at me.” Those eyes met hers once more and Nimueh fell for her all over again. “ _Are you sure._ There is no going back.”

Ygraine smiled, and though it was small, it was strong. She always had been. “Yes.”

* * *

“Who do you think will be the sacrifice?” Ygraine asked, one hand resting on her belly as she overlooked the city below them. They stood on the castle walls where they had first met. Nimueh was hit by a sudden wave of nostalgia, a longing for the days of honey cakes and kisses under the moonlight, of loose hair and a distinct lack of wedding rings. 

She sighed. “I do not know. It could be a guard, or a nobleman, or a peasant living in a hut somewhere.”

“I wish I could thank them, whoever it is,” Ygraine said. “For they are giving their life for my son, and they will never see the man he shall become, the king he will be.”

The wind whistled in Nimueh’s ears, a warning. “Let us not dwell on these thoughts. Come, it’s warm inside.”

* * *

“No,” She said, looking down at the bed and its blood soaked sheets. “No, no, _no_.” 

“Nimueh,” Ygraine called weakly, reaching out to her. She had never been able to refuse her. “Nimueh, let me- let me hold him.” She passed the babe to his mother. He had stopped crying, oddly enough. Maybe he understood. 

“Oh look at you,” Ygraine said, and Nimueh could feel tears prickling in her eyes. “My- my little Arthur, look at you, how beautiful you are.”

Nimueh leaned closer, her heart pounding so loud she could hear nothing else. The cries of the midwives, the screaming and crashing she assumed was the king- none of it mattered when Ygraine was there. “Ygrain-” She started.

“I don’t have much time left, Nim.” The childhood nickname brought tears to both of their eyes again. “Look after him, promise me. Promise on your magic.” She had always known what was most important to Nimueh.

“I swear it.”

“Good,” she breathed. “Make sure- make sure he knows he is loved, and that I do this gladly.”

“I will, Ygraine-”

“Hush now, it’s alright. I’ll see you soon, my love.” The others in the room would interpret Queen Ygraine of Camelot’s last words as a message to her husband, to her newborn son, to her kingdom. Nimueh knew better. 

* * *

“She may have married you,” Nimueh spat, infusing all the venom she could into the words. May they cut like a knife, into the heart of a man who loved none but himself. “But she loved me. You had her hand, but you _never_ held her heart.”

Uther snarled, his face red with rage. “You are a curse on this land, demon, and I will see you and your kind wiped out before you corrupt us all!”

Nimueh laughed, bitterness filling her until she could feel the sourness on her tongue. “If there is one curse on this land, Uther Pendragon, it is you, and your hatred and selfishness, that cost you your wife! You brought this upon yourself, you knew the cost, and now you blame everyone else for your own hubris. I curse you, Uther Pendragon, I curse your kingdom and your kind, for you took my purpose- you took my everything from me. And I will never forget, and I will _never_ forgive.”

Uther drew his sword, cutting her across the stomach before she could disappear, though not without throwing a knife at him first, hitting his shoulder. Baby Arthur lay in his crib, forgotten to his father in the face of a new threat, and left behind by a godmother who had no choice but to flee. 

* * *

“I’m sorry, Ygraine.” She whispered to the moon. “I broke my promise, I’m sorry. He will grow up as Uther’s, now. I failed you, my love.”

The moon did not reply. 

**Author's Note:**

> title from "fair" by the amazing devil.
> 
> im going to be honest here i have no idea what i'm doing and i know very little about canon so if this is completely inaccurate i apologize, i just really love this pairing and wanted to write something for it!!
> 
> (also i finally figured out how to do that line thing and now its my new favorite feature i apologize for the overuse)
> 
> as always I'm on twitter and tumblr under the same user, come say hi!  
> comments and kudos are always appreciated, and I hope you have a wonderful day everyone!


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